Clearly, I am perseverating about this whole “not where I wanted to be” topic; I am not ready to move forward just yet from yesterday’s blog. I find myself still moving thoughts around in my muddled head, puzzling them out, and piecing them back together for different insights. For example, in my lamenting yesterday I forgot one important thing: my life isn’t over yet. I may not have yet achieved the things I dreamed of for myself, but my opportunity to do so is not gone. It might be more difficult now than it would have been when I was in my 20s, unmarried, and sans children, but that doesn’t mean that it is impossible.
In working at coming to peace with what I thought were my goals versus where I am now, I need to remember that the path I wandered down led me to become the person I am today. While sometimes I may not love the rather prosaic state of my life, I am genuinely happy with who I am on the inside. That is something I most certainly could not say when I was 21 and dreaming of who I would like become. How could I have known then who I truly needed to be when I didn’t even truly appreciate who I was?
A shift in the wind may have gently persuaded my parachute away from my intended target, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I completely missed my mark. I may have just overshot it a bit. Now that I’m firmly on the ground, I can decide if I need to back up a bit to reach my expected target or if I should boldly go forward down the new path that has presented itself to me and chart a different course…you know, two roads diverged in a yellow wood and all that. The change from what I thought I wanted to be to what I have become doesn’t need to be a negative. I can bounce forward on optimistic, Tigger-like paws and see where I end up. Or, I can go back, regroup, and figure out a new way to reach my goals if they are still what I want for myself. It’s not really over until it’s over, and as long as I’m still living and breathing it’s not officially over. There’s this great quote by George Eliot: “It’s never to late to be who you might have been.” I think George (aka Mary Anne Evans) and I might have had some wonderful conversations.
Maybe it’s the level of endorphins I’m riding right now as I consume another Little Debbie Swiss Cake Roll (after an hour of strenuous hot yoga, nonetheless), but I’m feeling happier today with where I am and less concerned with where I am not. The only trouble is that when I get like this, I often find myself searching for my next adventure. For a long time now I’ve been seriously contemplating jumping out of a perfectly good airplane. Anyone want to parachute down with me this summer and see where we end up?